Mom and I were talking before church on Sunday morning about the cancer. She said she finds herself asking why...why did it take so long to diagnose; why didn't they begin radiation immediately; why did she break her leg. She isn't angry; she's really quite amazing in her grace under the circumstances. I was asking why too. Why my Mom. Why in her body. Why now.
Asking why is what we do when we lose our perceived control of our lives. We think if we can come up with an answer to our why, we may bring reason to our vulnerability and reclaim our stability.
I think the problem of why is that in asking it, we expect to find a concrete result. I am brunette because...I am female because...I have cancer - because. We know Mom probably has cancer because she had scar tissue in her lung that provided a place for it to grow. That's the scientific answer. But there are unanswerable questions too, questions we ask God or we ask ourselves because we don't want to question God. Why my Mom. There is no concrete answer to Rose + Cancer = X.
What if, instead of asking why, I become the greatest fan of God's theater, watching in eager anticipation for the next wonderful thing He does for and through Mom? What if I don't look for an end result, but for daily affirmations of His hand in our lives? What if in the end our need for reason is swallowed up in thankfulness?
It's simple, really, to choose thankfulness, but it requires letting go of the nagging need to know why.
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I have been asking a lot of my own series of "Why?" lately. Why...all of this? Why did I have to go through all of this, and lose everything I worked so unbelievably hard to obtain? Why...??
It has only been within the last week or so, as I've dealt with lingering and mysterious pain that keeps me from being able to get back to my pre hernia-whacky instestines, kidney cancer life that I've really felt the weight of all the "why".
I, too, have found that it is as I let go of the need to know why that I am able to watch and see how God's hand moves in me through this situation, not despite it. I am blessed in these circumstances, not despite them. God is a mysterious God, and there are a lot of "why" questions that I am finally accepting I will never have the answer to. There is a great peace in that.
Praying for you, Steph. Thanks for sharing your heart.
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